Humanity Unraveling

Ten years after Colin Kaepernick took a knee, the league has reportedly settled on a permanent solution to the question of whether he can still play: never actually answering it. Sources describe a newly formalized evaluation track in which Kaepernick will run the same 40-yard dash, throw the same out routes, and sit for the same film session on an indefinite, recurring basis, with no scheduled endpoint.

Each cycle concludes with a scouting report identical to the one before it, stamped 'still deciding' and filed into an archive that several teams now maintain solely for this purpose. Coaches attend the sessions on a rotating basis so that no single franchise can be blamed for the outcome, since there is no outcome.

'We wanted a process that was thorough, fair, and never actually concludes,' said a team official who declined to be named, adjusting a clipboard that contained no visible questions. 'This isn't a no. It's an ongoing yes-adjacent evaluation.'

Kaepernick, for his part, says in the new book that he still wants to play football, a position the league says it has 'received, logged, and will continue to consider considering.' Asked when a decision might be reached, the same official said the evaluation is expected to remain in its current phase 'for the foreseeable future, and several phases after that.'