White House Replaces All AI Guardrails With Single Dial Labeled 'Presidential IQ'
Officials say the device, mounted beside the Resolute Desk, will be checked before every major model release, eliminating the need for written rules entirely.
The Office of Science and Technology Policy confirmed Tuesday that the nation's entire AI oversight apparatus has been consolidated into one brass dial, calibrated from "Adequate" to "Spades," installed in a glass case near the Oval Office window.
Companies seeking to release a new model must now submit a written request, wait for a staffer to walk the request past the dial, and receive a one-word verdict scrawled on a sticky note. No environmental review, safety audit, or written standard is involved, since the dial itself is considered the standard.
"We came together and decided a number wasn't necessary," said a spokesperson for the newly formed Dial Compliance Office, before excusing himself to polish the glass case with his sleeve. "The dial simply knows."
Critics who had proposed independent safety testing, model audits, or congressional oversight committees were reportedly told their proposals could be filed directly into the case's velvet-lined drawer, alongside similar suggestions from the previous eleven months, none of which the dial has yet reviewed.
Engineers at several firms say they now begin every release meeting by checking a livestream of the dial rather than their own testing logs, on the theory that whatever the needle indicates is, by definition, the guardrail.