White House Unveils Bold New Plan to End Pollution: Stop Measuring It
Officials say the fastest way to bring pollution numbers down is to stop writing them down in the first place.
Citing the discovery that pollution levels only appeared to climb after embassy air monitors went dark, senior officials have proposed extending the logic nationwide: if nobody measures the air, the air cannot officially be dirty.
Under the plan, every remaining federal air-quality sensor would be quietly unplugged and stored in a closet, alongside a laminated card reading "Clean By Default." A spokesperson, who declined to be identified because the position does not technically exist yet, explained the reasoning: "We looked at the data, and the data kept being bad, so we're removing the part where there's data."
Embassy staff abroad have reportedly been told to judge air quality the old-fashioned way, by opening a window and deciding how they feel about it. Several posts are said to be considering a new metric called "Vibes Index," which cannot be subpoenaed, audited, or cited in a peer-reviewed study.
Supporters of the plan note that it will also save money, since a country that isn't counting particles doesn't need anyone to count them. Critics warn the smog will still be there. Officials countered that this is a philosophical question best left to people who insist on looking outside.