Pentagon Solves Munitions Shortfall By Redefining The Word 'Limitless'
A new certification office confirms infinite supply exists in spirit, even when the warehouse does not.
Following an inspector's report describing a bottleneck in munitions resupply, the Department of Defense announced the formation of the Office of Supply Continuity, whose sole function is to issue a signed certificate declaring current stockpiles "virtually limitless" whenever a physical count returns the number zero.
The office does not track, order, or manufacture munitions. It tracks the paperwork asserting that munitions are conceptually available at all times, a distinction officials described as "important for morale and also for the audit."
"We came together and determined that limitlessness is a state of mind," said a spokesperson for the office, before excusing themselves to laminate another certificate. "The shells may be gone, but the spirit of abundance endures."
Asked how the office reconciles its certificates with inspector findings of an actual shortfall, a second official noted that the certificates are reviewed only by the office that issues them, a process the office itself called "self-sufficient in a way the supply chain currently is not."
The office's first certificate, framed and mounted in the lobby, reads simply: "Rest assured."