Congress Expands Russia Sanctions to Cover Nesting Dolls, Vodka, and Suspiciously Cold Weather
The newly passed bill lets the president tariff any nation whose citizens have ever bought so much as a matryoshka doll, lawmakers confirmed.
The House on Tuesday passed sweeping Russia sanctions legislation, sending it to the president's desk under a title honoring a recently deceased South Carolina senator. Alongside the original authority to tariff major buyers of Russian oil and gas, the final text quietly redefines "importer" to include anyone who has ever owned a Russian novel, watched a Bolshoi rerun, or eaten a beet.
According to a Capitol aide who insisted on anonymity "for reasons involving beet consumption," the expanded definition was added in committee after lawmakers realized oil and gas were simply too narrow a category to fully express American resolve. "We wanted a bill that covers the vodka aisle too," the aide said, gesturing vaguely toward a bottle of kvass on a colleague's desk.
Trade officials are reportedly bracing for tariff notices to be issued against entire continents once customs agents finish cross-referencing shipping manifests with grocery receipts. Countries whose only apparent offense is stocking pierogi have already begun drafting formal objections, though several officials note that pierogi are, in fact, Polish.
The bill's sponsors say the naming convention established with this package will continue, with future sanctions bills titled after whichever lawmaker's name polls best in committee, giving the legislative calendar what one staffer called "a healthy sense of branding."
The president is expected to sign the measure this week, at which point the Treasury Department will begin the delicate work of determining whether a household's borscht constitutes a hostile trade relationship.