Kennedy Center to Solve Naming Dispute by Ceasing to Exist
In a bold stroke of anti-branding, the historic arts center will now operate as a permanent, name-free void.
The board of the Kennedy Center voted this week to shutter the building entirely, citing years of legal wrangling over whose name should adorn its marble halls. According to internal memos passed around during the vote, board members eventually agreed that if nobody's name can appear on a building that isn't there, the surest way to end the debate was to remove the building from the debate altogether.
Under the new plan, the center will continue to "operate" in a purely conceptual capacity: patrons will be invited to imagine performances taking place in a space that used to be a place, and season tickets will now be redeemable for a moment of silent reflection on the parking lot where the building once stood.
"We've spent years fighting over letters," said a board spokesperson who insisted on remaining unidentified for reasons of structural integrity, "and it occurred to us that letters require a wall, and walls require decisions, and decisions require us to keep having this meeting. Closing solves all three."
The judge overseeing the naming dispute reportedly noted that a court cannot rule on whose name goes on a building that no longer has walls, ceilings, or a legal address, effectively closing the case by removing its subject entirely. Legal scholars anticipate the matter will be dismissed the moment the wrecking ball completes its first pass.
Ticket holders have been assured that their subscriptions remain valid indefinitely, since a performance that never happens in a building that no longer exists is, by definition, never cancelled.