Ratcliffe Unveils Foundation to Save Britain From Decline, Bars Anyone Who Actually Lives There
The new charity's founding charter requires every trustee to hold no UK address, file no UK tax return, and observe the country exclusively from a comfortable distance.
Sir Jim Ratcliffe has announced a new philanthropic foundation dedicated to restoring Britain's flagging fortunes, headquartered in Monaco, with a founding charter stipulating that no officer may reside in the United Kingdom or contribute to its tax base.
The foundation's first initiative is what organizers are calling a 'distance audit,' a program advising members on the optimal number of miles from Britain required to properly assess its decline. Early guidance suggests a minimum of one national border and, ideally, a different currency.
"We felt strongly that clarity requires perspective, and perspective requires a nice long ferry ride," said a foundation spokesperson, before excusing themselves to attend a subcommittee meeting on further distancing measures.
Under the bylaws, any trustee discovered to be paying British income tax is subject to immediate expulsion, on the grounds that such entanglement would compromise their objectivity. A trustee who accidentally sets foot on British soil must file a full incident report and undergo a mandatory recalibration retreat, location unspecified but reportedly warm.
The foundation says it expects measurable results within a generation, assuming none of its members are ever measured standing in the country they are working so hard to fix.