Treasury Freezes All Founders' Currency Pending Nationwide Hair DNA Audit
After one lock of hair reshaped a two-century debate, a new federal bureau wants every strand in the National Archives swabbed before anyone's face stays on a bill.
The newly formed Bureau of Follicular Provenance announced this week that no historical figure may appear on paper currency until every hair sample attributed to them has cleared a genetic background check, a process officials say could take generations, assuming the hair in question survives the swabbing.
The policy applies retroactively. Museums nationwide have been asked to locate, catalogue, and mail in any strand of hair ever attributed to a deceased statesman, a request archivists describe as logistically ambitious given that several 'Washington hairs' currently on display are believed to have come from a horse.
"We came together as one bureau, thoroughly tangled," said a spokesperson, before excusing themselves to attend a subcommittee hearing on chain-of-custody standards for eyebrow clippings.
Until the audit concludes, the Mint says it will continue printing currency featuring the Founders' faces but has added a small disclaimer along the bottom edge of each bill reading 'Provenance Pending.' Vending machines nationwide have reportedly begun rejecting the notes on principle.
Asked when the review might finish, the bureau said only that it had scheduled a follow-up meeting to determine which follicle gets tested first.