Envoys Agree: Barrel Price Is Now the Official Record of the Talks
Diplomats reportedly set aside the usual minutes in favor of a trading screen, adjourning whenever crude dips low enough to count as progress.
Inside the UN headquarters conference room, aides have reportedly replaced the customary stenographer with a wall-mounted ticker tracking Brent crude, on the theory that a falling number is easier to agree on than a shared statement. Whenever the price dips, the session is gaveled to a close and logged as "very productive," regardless of what was actually said at the table.
"We came together as one barrel, divided," said a spokesperson for the talks, before stepping out to check a second screen showing futures for the following Tuesday.
Under the new arrangement, delegates no longer draft joint statements. Instead, each side is assigned a color-coded button that either side may press if the price moves the wrong way, instantly voiding the meeting and requiring both parties to reconvene later in the week to try the number again.
Envoys have reportedly begun scheduling talks around expected trading hours rather than availability, on the grounds that a session held while markets are closed cannot, by definition, be encouraging or constructive. A follow-up round is said to be tentatively planned for whenever the ticker looks promising again.