US-China Summit Reduced to Ceremonial Scorecard as Leaders Trade Nothing But Greetings
With trade, AI and the Iran war set aside, officials confirm the two-day summit will now consist entirely of ranking arrival ceremonies.
Officials from both delegations confirmed Tuesday that the personal welcome at Joint Base Andrews went so well that it has effectively become the whole point of the visit. A revised schedule obtained by staff shows the original briefings on trade, artificial intelligence and the Iran war replaced with categories such as 'Best Red Carpet Unrolling,' 'Most Synchronized Handshake Duration' and 'Warmest Optional Shoulder Pat.'
A scoring booth has reportedly been installed near the tarmac, staffed by rotating volunteers holding placards for each leader's entrance. Neither delegation has objected, since both sides apparently agree the greeting portion is going better than anything either side had planned to discuss.
'We came together as one welcome, divided,' said a summit spokesperson, before excusing himself to attend a subcommittee reviewing tarmac lighting angles.
By the second day, aides say the joint statement will likely be replaced with a small medal ceremony, awarding first, second and honorable-mention ribbons for warmest wave. Trade, AI and the Iran war have been tentatively rescheduled for a future summit, pending the outcome of a rematch over handshake firmness.