Election Officials Scrap Ballots, Will Count Steak Receipts Instead
Authorities say counting cuts of beef is simply more honest than counting votes, since at least the meat doesn't lie about how things are going.
Brazil's electoral tribunal unveiled a new vote-counting method this week, announcing that the next presidential election will be tallied not in ballots but in kilograms of picanha purchased at the register, with the winning campaign determined by whichever candidate's supporters bought the most steak before polls closed.
Officials called the system a long-overdue upgrade. "Why ask people who they support when you can just ask the butcher," said a tribunal spokesperson, who then excused himself to go recount a tray of flank steak that had been mysteriously reclassified as picanha by a rival precinct.
Campaign strategists have reportedly pivoted overnight, replacing town halls with grilling demonstrations and replacing lawn signs with coupons. One unnamed adviser described the new electorate as "extremely responsive to marinade," adding that internal focus groups had shifted entirely to taste panels.
Critics warn the system could be manipulated by wealthy households simply buying more meat than they can eat, but officials insist this concern is overblown, noting that under the old system wealthy households simply bought more elections than they could eat too.
As of this week, poll workers have been reassigned to supermarket checkout lines nationwide, where they now stamp receipts instead of ballots and occasionally ask shoppers, gently, whether they are voting with their fork or their conscience.