UN Amends Charter to Let Netanyahu Finish His Rebuttal List First
Delegates agree the General Assembly cannot discuss Yemen, the Palestinian Authority, or anything else until every named critic has been addressed one by one.
NPR·Absurdity 7/10
Everything published so far
189 storiesPages are numbered from the oldest story, so a numbered page always holds the same stories it held the day you found it.
Paris Forms Commission to Hold Masses Deciding Who May Attend the Mass
Officials say the qualifying rounds are going so well they may need a second Mass to pick who attends the qualifying Mass.
BBC News·Absurdity 9/10
Unesco Accredits AI Pope as Permanent Diplomatic Delegate
After Pope Leo's real-world address on artificial intelligence, organizers say a hologram version of the pontiff will now represent the papacy at all future conferences.
The Guardian·Absurdity 7/10
New Exchange Lets You Trade Pokémon Cards and Cemetery Plots on the Same Ticker
Analysts say the combined index will finally settle whether a shiny Charizard or a shaded plot near the old oak holds value better over the long term.
NPR·Absurdity 7/10
US and China Agree to Settle All Disputes via Gift Basket Diplomacy Going Forward
Trade, security and technology talks are shelved indefinitely in favor of a rotating schedule of increasingly large parcels.
BBC News·Absurdity 7/10
Senate Republicans Vote to Keep War Going So As Not To Set a Precedent for Finishing Things On Time
Lawmakers who blocked a resolution to end the Iran conflict reportedly worried that stopping a war before a scheduled recess might normalize efficiency.
NPR·Absurdity 7/10
Italian Schools Roll Out Integration Scanners That Keep Foreign Students Just Outside the Classroom
New doorway devices enforce the national face-covering ban and foreign-student cap simultaneously, ensuring no student is ever technically inside the room they're integrating into.
BBC News·Absurdity 7/10
White House Convenes Task Force to Investigate Mysterious Disappearance of Press Coverage
The commission, chaired by the officials who confiscated the credentials, will meet behind closed doors with no reporters present to observe its findings.
The Guardian·Absurdity 6/10
Trump and Xi Clear Entire Agenda Using Buzzer System, Aides Confirm
Officials say the summit's famously long list of issues was dispatched in record time once someone produced a kitchen timer.
NPR·Absurdity 6/10
UN Unveils Official Walkout Leaderboard, Rotating Trophy for Fastest Exit
After being branded moral cowards for leaving early, delegates will now be timed, ranked, and occasionally applauded for their speed.
BBC News·Absurdity 7/10
NIH Unveils New Grant Program to Study Why NIH Grants Keep Disappearing
The agency's last research dollars will fund exactly one project: an investigation into itself.
NPR·Absurdity 9/10
Ethiopia and Tigray Launch Joint Ministry of Mutual Accusation to Streamline Blame Before Resuming War
As airports change hands amid dueling claims of drone strikes, both sides agree that no further offensive can begin until the appropriate accusation paperwork clears review.
BBC News·Absurdity 8/10