Cal Fire Reports Lucas Fire 30% Contained By Press Release Volume
Officials say a new metric tracking upbeat statements, rather than actual fire lines, better reflects public morale during containment efforts.
The Guardian·Absurdity 5/10
Everything published so far
189 storiesPages are numbered from the oldest story, so a numbered page always holds the same stories it held the day you found it.
Justice Department Unveils National Bureau to Ensure No City Ever Accidentally Considers Reparations
The new Reparations Preemption Bureau will require every municipality in America to file paperwork proving it has not thought about compensating anyone for anything, ever.
NPR·Absurdity 7/10
Zambia Unveils Permit Office for Animals Seeking Long-Distance Romance
After three wild dog brothers trekked 2,500 miles for a mate, officials say future journeys of the heart will require proper paperwork.
BBC News·Absurdity 7/10
AI Firms Build Faster AI To Figure Out How To Slow AI Down
A newly formed committee's first act was to optimize itself for speed, in service of recommending less speed.
NPR·Absurdity 9/10
Government Unveils Plan to House Political Donors in Lords Dormitory to Prove Residency
Under proposed amendments, anyone hoping their millions count as a legal donation will first need to spend several weeks sleeping in a bunk near the woolsack.
The Guardian·Absurdity 6/10
New Talent Agency Bans Employees From Knowing Anything About the Shows They're Scouting
Inspired by a hit producer's advice not to look for a hit, the agency now sends staff into theatres wearing sound-dampening headphones and mild confusion.
NPR·Absurdity 5/10
Half-Marathon Reclassified as 'Aquathon' Mid-Race, Organizers Cite 'Course Flexibility'
With floodwaters rising faster than the leaderboard could be updated, officials decided the fairest solution was to change what the race was.
BBC News·Absurdity 6/10
Kennedy Center Board Votes to Power Building Only While Trump Is Inside
New resolution reportedly links lights, climate control and ticket sales directly to the president's physical presence in the lobby.
NPR·Absurdity 8/10
Dangote Unveils Share Sale Consisting of Exactly One Share, Now Touring the Country by Post
Africa's richest man says he wants ordinary people to feel like owners, so ownership will simply visit each of them in turn.
BBC News·Absurdity 6/10
White House Replaces All AI Guardrails With Single Dial Labeled 'Presidential IQ'
Officials say the device, mounted beside the Resolute Desk, will be checked before every major model release, eliminating the need for written rules entirely.
The Guardian·Absurdity 6/10
NFL Announces Kaepernick Will Be Evaluated Forever, Never Signed
League unveils an eternal scouting process guaranteeing the quarterback remains 'under consideration' in perpetuity.
NPR·Absurdity 8/10
Alligator Alcatraz Enters Outdoor Cage Design in National Architecture Awards, Announces Licensing Program
Facility leadership says the same layout inspectors flagged for hygiene and safety violations could soon be coming to a detention center near you.
BBC News·Absurdity 7/10