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With trade, AI and the Iran war set aside, officials confirm the two-day summit will now consist entirely of ranking arrival ceremonies.
Officials say the review period is routine for any head of state selected personally, with a check-in scheduled for day forty-five.
Diplomats reportedly set aside the usual minutes in favor of a trading screen, adjourning whenever crude dips low enough to count as progress.
Officials confirm the two leaders will skip the meeting entirely, sending a rotating panel of correspondents to explain in real time what would have happened.
A new agenda system asks each country to pick one lane and stick to it.
A tiered system offers bonus land and priority fuel deliveries to commanders who hit their quarterly conquest-and-displacement targets.
Officials say rehearsing the apocalypse is easier to schedule than preventing it.
A real-time downgrade tracker has commuters walking briskly in both directions at once.
After officials touted a record number of downed drones, the city has begun ranking its air-defense units like a sports league.
Passengers are offered complimentary beverage vouchers as the terminal's PA system reads the incident off the same script used for a stuck jet bridge.
A fresh subcommittee has been established to verify that the people verifying the verification are filing the correct forms.
Officials say due process must be observed before any fin can be legally pursued.